2005-03-20 @ 12:13 a.m.
unfinished

so here i am, on the brink of adulthood. I can actually see myself teetering on the edge of matured adolescence, practically falling into the unknown abyss of the real world. there have been times in the past when i thought i'ld already taken the plunge, but i was very mistaken. even though i have been living on my own for over 4 years now, i've barely begun to realize what it means to be responsible for yourself; and while i might have only made those dreaded cries for help, normally of the monetary kind, a few times here and there in really desperate situations, that life line is still there.

so what has changed, you may be wondering? i can't quite put my finger on it. something internal, something subconcious, even deeper than that perhaps... hormonal? i don't know, but i can so clearly sense it - as though someone mailed me a letter to let me know my days as a kid are numbered. not that i'm looking forward to this jump, though i can't say i regret its coming either. it just is. there's no stopping it. before i know it i'll be married with children, in debt up to my eyeballs and working some watered down version of my dream job. cynical? perhaps. but more like honest. i mean, isn't that what happens to the vast majority of us? not that i always put myself in the category of vast majority, who wants to admit to mediocrity these days. not i! yet more and more i'm coming to realize i am one of the nameless faces in the crowd, just another person in the limitless number of people that fill this planet.

maybe thats part of the change, loss of ego. i'm much better at sucking up my pride than i was only a year ago, its much easier for me to admit defeat, ask for help, compromise parts of myself to get what i need. the arrogance and contempt i used to feel when met with most people is dissipating and slowly being replaced with something else... not pity, not empathy, perhaps compassion? i'm not entirely sure... but i mark this diversion as significant....

... i'm tired, i'll continue this tirade some other time

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